Haunting Dreams

Do you ever have a dream where the emotions feel so real that when you wake up you still feel them? I have this. A lot. Last night I had a dream where in it I got into a huge argument; it was like I was reliving one of my recent experiences but in a completely different dream setting. Unfortunately, it left me harbouring anger and sadness when I woke up. All of the feelings I have been working hard to overcome and move on from washed over me this morning in a fresh wave.

So what do you do when you have been doing everything in your power to get on with life but your subconscious lets you down and feeds you to the dogs in your dreams?

After thinking about how I could prevent these dreams in the future, I started thinking about why I dreamed what I did and I came to some conclusions.

First, as much as I focus on moving on, the truth of the matter is that I’m focusing on it. Instead of letting go, I’m bringing the issue with me wherever I go. In all of the conversations with myself trying to get me to take a step away from a large part of my past, I bring up the past. I don’t know why I thought focusing on my past would somehow help me stop thinking about it, but I did. Just last night it crossed my mind before I drifted off to sleep. There I was, laying in bed thinking, “who needs that? Your awesome on your own and screw the rest of it.”

Sneaky, sneaky little bugger. Even in a pep talk, there it was.

Secondly, and as hard as it is to admit this to myself, but maybe I haven’t quite gotten over the issue yet. Because, when something consumes your thoughts it then still holds some importance to you. And as much as I’m fighting this having importance in my life, it does, and it has done so for the past couple years.

Many of my friends were so amazed at how I handled the situation. They chalked it up to my logical mind and how I can compartmentalize. If anyone asked me about why I wasn’t showing strong public signs of remorse or sorrow, I would respond with “I deserve better” and leave it at that. Because that was the truth. If someone doesn’t want to be in my life anymore, you won’t find me begging and pleading with them to stay. Why would I want someone who wasn’t giving their all to stay in my life? But even though I firmly believe in this it doesn’t automatically mean I can forget what was promised, and now broken. It also doesn’t mean my feelings are as logical as my thinking.

So where does this new enlightenment leave me? Reading it over, it may sound all nice and dandy but it doesn’t leave me with a direct action plan to eliminate the issue. Or does it?

Moving on from today, I know I have to stop focusing on the issue. I need to look at what I can do and what I am doing instead of what I’m no longer able to do. I need to look at the new and exciting opportunities I have ahead of me instead of the events in the past. If I want to truly move on, then I need to live on. I need to look on ahead and stop focusing on the past. But not necessarily forget the past. I need to learn from it. TSN summed it up in SportsCentre yesterday: instead of running from your issues, run with them and soon you’ll see they’re not really issues anymore.

And in the end, we all know it is time that heals all and I have to allow myself to take the time I need.

But to help temporarily, I may just use Abigail Breslin’s 2014 resolutions to help me along.

Namaste

Sunday night I decided that I was not going to let myself wallow around my house. I remembered back to last winter when I had a hot yoga membership and the Karma class came to mind – a $5 one hour class every Sunday. I made the choice to attend this week’s karma class.

The local yoga studio that I attended last winter is a remarkable place. I was introduced in August of 2012 and began attending full-time in November when the stress of term papers and exams was getting the best of me. I continued until April of this year, when unfortunately the membership price rose and it no longer was feasible with my student budget. The time I spent on my mat in the studio’s 100 degree room was truly a time of personal growth. It enabled me to push past some of the boundaries I had earlier placed on myself while at the same time allowed me to relax and accept myself for who I was. I knew this Sunday that being back on my mat was an activity that would allow me to spend a healthy hour out of the house around other people and help me relax. What I didn’t realize was that it would completely invade my healing process and bring out the raw emotions I was harbouring inside.

That hour was one of the most intense hours I’ve emotionally experienced. As the sweat began to pour from my face, so did the tears. Throughout the entire class, a constant flow of tears leaked from the corner of my eyes. As the teacher constantly reminded the class to focus on our ujjayi breath instead of our thoughts, I slowly began to focus on the practice. Even though the hurt in my heart still remained, for that hour I was able to do something productive for myself. With every move that I was able to bend a little deeper in or hold for an extra breath, a sense of empowerment came. Somewhere between the time I got on my mat to the time I was changing out of my sweat soaked clothes, I realized that my life was in my hands and my hands alone. I was granted the opportunity in my life to take control. Was I going to let it slip or could I rise to the challenge?

When leaving the yoga studio, emotions were pouring out of me. As I climbed back into my vehicle, sobs choked in my throat. And then, just as quickly as it overcame me, it ended.

I was my own person. I chose my own desires. I had the ability to control my life. And I started to believe this.

I am so thankful for the yoga studio that welcomed me back to their class with warming smiles. That looked past my tear-stained face and accepted me. That allowed me the opportunity to grow. This past weekend has been unfathomably tough but I’m starting to realize the potential it has for personal growth. Participating in various forms of physical activity, both running and yoga, has helped me realize the strength I have within. I has allowed me to expel the damaging energy I’ve been carrying around inside my heart and filled the vacant spaces with breaths of fresh air. It’s an unbelievable opportunity that we all posses; do you take advantage?